March 7, 2006
Long Time Gone...

Sorry, it's been a long time since I updated my goings on. I just don't have the free time that was once so ample. If I have any free time at the computer it's generally spent looking at race results, then daydreaming about racing or searching for a fixed gear bike on Craig's List. I've been thinking a lot about a vacation to the warm sun and sandy beaches, too. I've been so busy my mind could use a break.

At Portland State I've been taking some classes this term...A psychology course, a global water issues course and a statistics course where tonight we talked about randomness and non-parametric statistics. Our professor is so cool though. He's from India and makes the most wild jokes that he has me laughing most of the time. He's giving us our final exam to take home so tonight, he announced, would be our last class. That gives us 2 weeks to study. He is unique that's for sure. So far it seems I've nailed straight A's but there's still 2 weeks to go! Next term I've registered for Sports Psychology, general Psychology as a Social Science and Women's Studies.

I bought a 1962 single speed Schwinn Fleet cruiser the other day and it's in near perfect condition. I'm hoping to ride it through the neighborhood streets as alternate transportation to the pubs, dinner, coffee and shopping in the warmer months.

Along with working downtown 30 hours a week for the data recovery software company, I coach 9 athletes for Wenzel Coaching. I live vicariously through my elites and stay connected to the sport with my aspiring riders and those wishing to simply cat up or stay in shape.

It's time to plant a garden to enjoy the fruits and veggies of our labor. Hard to believe spring is around the corner. Spring equals bike racing. I still have the bug.
 

January 14, 2005
The 8-day Work Week...

This will be brief as it's long overdue. I should be studying rather than horsing around making my website look pretty. After 9 years plus away from academia, I've gone back to college. In addition to coaching athletes for Wenzel Coaching and working full time downtown doing computer stuff for a forensics software company called discover-e, I will finish my degree in Psychology.  A change, yes.

But wait! There's still got to be time to train and race right? I hope so. I still need to build up my new Fuji. It's been 3 months since I've ridden a real bike. I really appreciate Fuji's continued support and want to race when I can. I still plan to see Merced, Philly, Grandview, Charlotte and Boise and race locally at some OBRA events. Oregon has the greatest cycling community and so many great races almost every weekend. I live just blocks from Mt. Tabor! Should be fun. I look forward to more sun and less rain. We've seen 25 wet days in a row!

Thanks for all your letters. Write when you can!
 

December 14, 2005
More Patience...

Resume-writing, marketing skills and accomplishments, research and more research; it's a familiar undertaking when one is looking for a team to ride for. Similarly, I am looking for employment again. The last job proved to be unfulfilling and more of a pain to commute to than I had anticipated. Currently, I'm looking for work in the hi-tech industry as a sales rep with base pay and excellent income potential with room for growth into management. I've been in sales for 10+ years and it would seem the natural process. I know with patience I will land something cool.

As with everything, patience and time places limits on feeling completely settled. Some things have come together that I am very happy about however. For instance: a place to live in SE Portland with two of the greatest gals in the world deserves top mention. It's nice to at least have a home. Our kitty McKenzie, he's a bundle of energy and a good play-dough purrrr-kitty.

There's a sort of sadness that I won't be racing my bike full time. It's been tough to get in enough training to keep fit. I still frequent 24-Hour Fitness and my MTB with slicks occasionally on the trainer. I know I have enough miles in my legs to be useful in a few races possibly so I hope to at least find some time to compete on the weekends.

November 23, 2005
Needs

I don't need a pro contract but what I do need is components for my Fuji bike! If you can help, let me know!

I have taken on a new job in merchant services in Lake Oswego, working out at 24-Hour Fitness and riding my MTB when possible. It's a different life and a different course (for now).

October 31, 2005
Boo

It has been an excellent change of pace having wound down the racing season and now looking for stable employment... a new career path for years to come and place to call home, perhaps even take some classes at PSU.

Tonight is a trick or treat night in Portland!

October 20, 2005
At Least We Tried

I am back in Oregon regrouping thoughts, finances, and plans for the future. I don't want to move to SoCal to be a pro bike racer scraping the bottom of the barrel to stay afloat, taking out loans and worried about how to pay my living expenses. I won't be worrying about why no one is looking for me to join the team. I've had to sell off all my stuff just to pay back my debts and I still have a long way to go before I am out of the red. I've lived and died in a year and it's really too much for me to take. I still have dreams but the what-if's aren't meant to live with you forever. I can make due with running shoes, back country skiing, slicks on my MTB and throwing around weights in the gym. Instead of coming undone and feeling hopeless spinning my wheels so focused on one thing, I will work to support myself and survey the mistakes I've made in my life to better the future. If I've got it wrong then it will be put right. For now I belong to the corporate world. Consider me semi-retired.

Every step you take could be your biggest mistake. That's the risk that you take...

 

September 21, 2005
Blue Sky

Where could the imagination take wandering minds with the comfort of beautiful ocean views and the warmth of its waters spilling over pink sandy beaches? Bermuda Baby! It is a friendly treat for me, my teammates and our staff to be welcomed to an island to race in the 4-day Grand Prix. I can’t complain, other than I wish my best friend were here with me to enjoy the stay.

Updates and photos to follow…

 

September 8, 2005
Over-thinker

Attention to inattention. How to feel rather than think. How to care without caring too much. How to be rather than how to act. How to plan for the future without missing out on the present. Making the most of life without feeling entitled. Commitment without strings.

With the season winding down - I can't believe another season has passed - I am wishing I was in Nurnberg, Germany this weekend for the last World Cup, a favorite course. Currently, I find myself visiting mom and dad in Salem, OR while trying to keep my motivation up to race well in Bermuda. I've been looking for work and a place to call home sometimes forgetting to ask myself, 'what do I want? What do I really need? And will it require too much support?' Why are these simple questions so hard to answer? I've come to find out there's whole chapters and books dedicated to finding answers within. I'd been considering that I really want to visit a land that I have never been to:  Australia. I could easily get a job and have great weather for training and stay with friends. Sounds great, doesn't it? Hmmm... what do I really want? I've always wanted to visit NY. A good friend of mine has picked up and moved there recently and invited me to stay in the "loft." Niiice. I would like that, too. I kinda wanna go campin.'

At the end of the day I realize that I have so much to be thankful for and that I should just feel that happiness. I watched the horror of Hurricane Katrina and it saddened me that there wasn't anything I could do. It was such a hopeless feeling. The poor just keep getting poorer... Something has to change.

 

August 29, 2005
The Long Emergency

Pardon me for going OT...

Our global energy predicament makes me wish I were more creative at finding versatile, alternative energy sources. Oil prices were over $70 a barrel briefly today. News like that will be hidden on the 5th page of Business News because people fear conflict and cannot stand too much reality. We've faced the end of the cheap-fossil-fuel era.

We are faced with the global oil-production peak. The best estimates of when this will actually happen have been somewhere between now and 2010. If we wish to keep the lights on after 2010 America might have to resort back to nuclear power plants to fuel overconsumption. Can you imagine? Circumstance will require us to downscale and re-scale virtually everything we do and how we do it, from the kind of communities we physically inhabit to the way we grow our food to the way we work and trade the products of our work. Our lives will become profoundly and intensely local. Daily life will be far less about mobility and much more about staying where you are. 200 years of modern living can be brought to its knees by a worldwide power shortage.

August 15, 2005
Silver Lining

I heard David Gray is in LA this week and I am wishing I could afford the date.

The Manhattan Beach GP didn't go as well for me as I'd hoped. When I don't win, I'm not happy. So, basically, I've been unhappy most of time this year with my results. People say, "You're too hard on yourself." That's compassion. Am I an overachiever? I just won't settle for placing when I have the capability and the belief that I can do better. Some say I'm too old. That's crazy. You CAN teach an old dog new tricks.

After the bike race, the highlight of the day was having enough money in my pocket to grab dinner and a few drinks with my friends here in LA. We Went to a punk BBQ at the Liquid Kitty featuring an Iggy Pop cover band, the grandfather of punk music. It was an interesting crowd and so very loud. Dinner later at the Brazilian Cafe of salmon, plantains, rice and beans. I could eat that way all the time.

To end the night I fell asleep to the sound of a high speed chase down the roadway with at least 10 cop cars in pursuit. This place is so weird. It's no wonder people are insane, lose their patience and shoot each other. Solitude couldn't be found in this suburban society.

 

August 13, 2005
Elite Track Nationals

Nothing to write home about. 9th in the Pursuit, 7th in the Scratch Race, 10th 500m TT, 7th it the Points Race. Top 10's. Considering it was only my 2nd time racing with the elite women on the track and my first time racing at the ADT Center, one could say I did alright given my inexperience. I would like to keep practicing.

The Manhattan Beach GP is tomorrow and I'm so tired but if I don't make some fast cash I won't be eating next week! No joke. I am tired of being broke so I'll be looking for a real job and a house soon so I can afford to have a little fun. Craigslist has all sorts of items of interest in cities all over the map. Where to call home? Is it near sunny beaches or near the Velodrome so I can continue to train on the track? Is it near family or where the money is? It's nice to have so many options.

Until then...

 

August 8, 2005
Back to LA

August and 8 months. That's many days of living and learning on the road.

Last stop for Subway:  Aug 6, Charlotte, NC, Bank of America Invitational Criterium Crash Festival. Best placing women:  16th, men:  10th. I was spooked, gotta admit, after seeing Gina Grain lying on the road gushing blood from the side of her head. This moment, along with other moments, like seeing Maybritt Hartwell crashing hard into the barriers with 3 laps to go, definitely disrupted the rhythm of the night.

LA has a hold of me this time. It took over half an hour to drive to Peet's coffee this morning. I read the LA Times and looked at real estate. $1000/sq foot. Yikes! It takes several cars and humanoids to congest the byways, freeways, roadways and alleyways. Angry individuals lay on their horns as if it seemingly helps them go faster. LA has style and culture and if you can afford to live in an apartment for $3000/month downtown it might be kinda cool. There's an Asian market, Israeli Market, Thai, French, Greek, Italian, etc. Visiting LA is much like an adventure to Europe. Amusing fashion statements too, the long cut off shorts and funny looking sneakers, retro t-shirt and ragged hairdo. That's the haps. If you're looking to remodel, decorate and interiorize, there's lots of cool hardware shops and retro furnishing type places of course. One after the other of places I'd like to visit when I have money.

What if...? That was a good game...

 

July 31, 2005
Outside the Inside

Lots of crashing in the criterium today in downtown Altoona of which I found myself having none of that. Maybe my luck has changed for the better. I only managed 5th or 6th but was glad to miss the one crash 150m from the line. Don't need anymore of that. It's been an interesting year and not much to show for in the results column. Not spectacular, not stellar, but not totally lame either.

Tonight, the team had a little fun at Don Pablos and a sombrero and ice cream and apple pie for Jen cuz it was her "birthday." We had a couple Dos XX and it was all good. Chatting with Mark, our PT, and he cracks me up. My roomies are next door doing the same, busting a gut with his funny stories and Sima with her good humor too.
 
Our team sealed a spot to Bermuda in September after today's crit results only saw 58 finishers. It was the hardest race...oh my. Not quite as hard as Redlands to move up but definitely harder on the leg pain threshold after 6 days of racing. I kept thinking, "I know I've felt worse pain than this. I know I have. When I got my tattoos? Hmmm, not...." I really think it's the most painful thing ever when your legs just don't have the GO juice but you just have to hang on the wheel in front of you. I can't imagine what that's like hour after hour. Our race today was only like 8 minutes slower than the guys race over the same distance. Unreal... I wait for the lull in order to move up. Maintaining position is the thing I still haven't got a hold on. Giving more GO when I have NO GO!

 

July 30, 2005
Breaking Away

Didn't have myself in a very good spot yesterday to do any sprinting. What is my problem?  Today, I went with the 10-rider break about 9 miles into the 92 mile stage in hopes to get a head start on Blue Knob. That's the worst climb of the entire year in my opinion. I gathered sprint points along the way trying to make a little money since it's a living I try to make racing my bike. We were caught on the climb around mile 50. I wonder why sometimes I do this.

My life is unsettled. I'm homeless, penniless and on and on. Is it even passion anymore or insanity? My eye is twitching and when that happens I am stressed and tired. I'll be needing a job soon and a place of my own. I miss Oregon. Breaks my heart and it won't be the last. Getting stronger within myself though. 

"I will be there. Just look over your shoulder. Longing to share a sky full of clover..."

 

July 28, 2005
Where is the love?

Wish I could find the magic. The day when everything goes right. Whoa, those days are sooo rare! I found myself in a 9-rider break 8 miles into today's hilly circuit race. That's something for the plus column. How my legs, back and head felt are 3 for the minus column. Maybe it's the affects of yesterday's malnourishment (-4)? Been hard sleeping, too (-5). I need some advice. Anyone who likes to give tips, I take it! So, I ended up 4th. Oy. Kori Seehafer (T-Mobile) threw down an unrivaled attack over the last QOM and she stayed away over the last 2k. My legs didn't have any GO left. No go, Mel.

Tomorrow, another chance for the sprinters in Martinsburg. I've got a 2nd place tie with Gina Grain (Victory Brewing) for the sprinter's jersey and it would be special to keep chasing after it and take it from the German. I'd be the last woman in the peloton Ina Teutenberg (T-Mobile) would want to lose it to... Locomotive, that one.

 

July 27, 2005
Fuel for the fire

I have had a bit of bad luck but it hasn't gotten me too down. Yesterday I was 2k from the finish and flatted. I was feeling pretty good since it was only about 60 miles.

Today, I didn't eat enough or drink enough on the bike and had a bad stomach before, during and after the race of almost 100 miles and 6500 feet of climbing at an average speed of over 22mph. I counted my calories, after making it to the finish 11 minutes after the leaders, and I had only consumed about 550. Oops. No wonder I was starting to get hungry and my legs felt like a ton of bricks being pricked by stinging nettles. It wore on me, the endless 14% gradient climbs, one after the other. I have been eating non-stop since we got back to our housing in Altoona.

Tomorrow... a chance for the sprinter and a chance to get even with the German. Strong girl, that one.

 

July 25, 2005
Roasting in Altoona, PA

Up at 5:45am and traveling all day long yesterday after having a pretty good team race at Boise Twilight Saturday night. Reading a great book called The Kite Runner helps pass the time. Staying in a cute little dormitory sans air conditioning and it’s cold showers 4 times a day that keep us from sweating too much. Our team Subway has come to the Tour de ‘Toona for a 7-day stage race that begins tonight with a 5k prologue. Go hard, go fast! My good friend Cathy Marsal tells me, “don’t try, just do it Mate!” Would be nice to do something special.  

Pause…

Well, not sure it was special and it was getting dark and hard to see over the 3.2 mile technical course with 16 corners and a few good kickers. When I saw Armstrong bust out of the blocks I knew she was going to be hard to beat. The girl can motor.

It’s late and humid and time for another cold shower before bed. Tomorrow, a nice little circuit race that should be strung out for 60 miles.

July 18, 2005
Long Wait

Watching the Tour with surround sound is like listening to thunder.

Racing on the track this weekend at the Alpenrose Velodrome Challenge was harder than I expected and it really hurts when you fall on the track and it happens so fast that if you’re behind that wheel that goes down, usually you go with it.

I’ve been thinking about owning a motorcycle, a fast Triumph or a slow BMW and fighting fires for the rest of the season after hitting Crit Nationals in IL.

How many times do I get asked “Do you lift weights?” Or my biceps get a squeeze? I could be rich if I’d charge $5 a squeeze. Think I’ll get a tattoo that sez "you wanna feel this? It’ll cost ya."

Off to the Twilight in Boise ‘n stuff. Hangin' with mom and dad, trying to figure it all out with as much patience as I can find within myself. Wishing I was listening to the ocean and sleeping well.

I crashed hard on Saturday during the miss ‘n out and I initially thought I’d broken my hip it hurt so bad. I was and still am walking stiff but raced last night in the scratch race. It was super hard and fun at the same time and I was nervous. It took a lot of courage for me to go out there again cuz I have crashed umpteen times this year already and I’m really sick of it. No hospital visits EVER and no broken bones EVER and it is the intent to stay that way. Knock on wood.

 

July 11, 2005
Everytime

I like Bend. I always feel like I am on vacation when I am here. I knew I’d make Becky Broeder’s Blog. Such a great woman and I love to see her. She’s looking strong after such a hard year, kinda like I can relate sister. 

Sworn to never be what I’ve become.  

I am glad Remi is ok. Sleeping in the waiting room worrying about his head. So sad for Leah crashing. I was almost crying mid-race when I saw and heard it.  

If I had a $1,000,000…

 

July 9, 2005
Just Like Old Times She Said...

My last travels with the Subway Pro Cycling Team began in Montreal at the end of May and continued on through Philadelphia, Minneapolis, Columbus, San Francisco (for temporary respite and a look at track racing at Hellyer Park), and now Bend for the Cascade Cycling Classic. Next:  Alpenrose Velodrome Challenge, Portland, OR; Boise Twilight, Boise, ID where of course I have to win again to make it 3 years in a row. After Boise we’re on to the Tour de Toona in Altoona, PA and Bank of America Criterium in Charlotte, NC. August 8th or so I am going back to LA for Track Nationals and Manhattan Beach, then last stop in the US will most likely be Criterium Nationals in Downer’s Grove, IL. Then I reckon I need to get a job and/or find a team who will take me to Europe for Holland Tour, Rotterdam WC and Nurnberger WC.

I have been living out of my bags since November ’04. Hold your applause, please. It is an art keeping one’s sanity while finding efficiency in reaching the next destination and enjoying the journey while trying not to be a waste of someone else’s time. 

Am I distracted? Yes, it’s true my mind is somewhere else. The future uncertain and not knowing whether I am coming or going. The emotional bank account is stocked but the financial account has never quite seen such low times. My stupid pride makes me want to follow through with all my grand cycling dreams. Whatever it takes as long as I can enjoy a glass of red wine and some chocolate now and then and maybe some cookies, too and, and, and…That’s when I get in trouble and find I am only at it half-assed and that’s bad. 

It’s been about staying upright and avoiding some nasty crashes. I have even taken a bit of my own skin off and banged up my shoulder pretty good. There was a bad crash here 2 days ago and 2 gals were airlifted. As we speak our teammate Remi McManus is in hospital… More later… bye…

June 23, 2005
Pole Position

Hellyer Park June 22, Wednesday nite track racing. My first experience racing on the track. I was sick to my stomach about half way through, wanting to quit but my good friend Dean forced me to go on. He’s a good guy and I would have quit possibly had he not been so encouraging. I was doing well for my first time out but it was hard starting with a 3^rd in the miss ‘n out, and then a 3^rd in the points race of mostly dudes. ‘Course, that’s how I came to love cycling so much when my friend Jay made me race and it was the hardest thing I’d ever done but couldn’t wait to see how far I could go and how fast! It’s all YOUR fault and it’s all I love and all I hate!

In the Bay Area for a bit and it is a nice change of pace. Love it here in the summertime with a pretty view of Mt Diablo and the full moon rising over the horizon last night. Looking at places to rent here is like “why-bother” it’s so damn expensive. Still, a goal maybe to have for the future. I am now thinking it best to live near the track! Sometimes wish I could just fly away.  Uh oh, another life altering event has occurred last night. But I still miss Oregon.

What the track taught me in 3 hours is that it can make me faster and a better bike handler and less frightened of filling open space. Teaches a lot about perspective and smoothing the pedal stroke. This is all good stuff as hard as it is. The aftermath:  I was craving Baja Fresh…!

 

June 18, 2005
Look At You Now

The Tour de Grandview kicked off in Columbus, OH with street sprints on Friday night which I won hands down. Fastest chick from point A to point B is what my coach tells me. Reckon amongst these riders I was. Makes for some pressure to win every race here over the next two days. Had a nice night after the race with the host of the house. He was happy to have someone to drink a beer with at the after block party. There was a neat little uptown bottle shop with EVERY possible beer imaginable to humankind and a nice selection of wines, cheeses and desserts for other appetites. He knows everyone in town being a math teacher and we have lots to talk about and I like hearing about the wife and 3 kids who are ages 14, 11 and 8.  

I am looking forward to heading back to the Bay Area next week where a shiny new Fuji track bike awaits me. I hope to use it as a tool to get faster and gain tactical and positional knowledge. I think I have convinced my good friend Dean to accompany me at the track Wednesday night since I have no race experience whatsoever. I’ve been on the track approximately 4 hours between San Diego and Portland. I really don’t know what to expect. Lots of people have lots opinions. 

June 10,  2005
Nicky's Procedure

Racing is fun when on form. Competition gets fierce but remains friendly. Sometimes it’s so great and other times it’s such drama. Philly was awesome. Over 600,000 people lined the streets to watch the US PRO Championships and the Liberty Classic. Unreal! We were sad to miss the break and get 2^nd in the field sprint. Good one… Jeeze. Reckon I shouldn’t have sat up like I did or look over my shoulder. Just another silly maneuver and lesson learned in bike racing. In reality, I learn the hard way. Have made lots of mistakes in my “approach to life.” 

Our team is in Minneapolis for Nature Valley with a great host family. So sweet how people volunteer their time and take the racers in and take care of us. It’s people like these that wipe away tears and tales of all the mean people we meet who suck. 

Need to make an appointment with myself. When said of time to think it just brings tears so I avoid it. In denial I guess and just running away with my bike. Thoughts are mine alone. The inner struggles that not even I understand. Ask me a simple question of wanting and I wouldn’t know where it ends and when it begins.

Our team trip to Canada for the Montreal World Cup and the Greater Tour of Montreal this past week was good preparation heading into Philly this Sunday, an esteemed race that has long been the only race that REALLY mattered winning for some reason. (Do I secretly wish to repeat over and over again and fill the shoes of past greats?) This this trip so far I have exceeded my own expectations and while getting 2^nd on the last stage of the tour is considered a good result, I still am disappointed that we don’t have a big win in hand. Getting up on the podium is nice and being told how good you are is nice but getting 2^nd really is maddening. But, I’m glad that my fitness is finally taking shape after such a depressing start to the season and much heartache for the ones I love. The feeling of helplessness is most powerful when you just have no control and it doesn’t make life any easier when patience really IS a virtue, something that I lack more than anything. Waiting, waiting and wanting more. I’m not happy unless I know in my heart of hearts that I did everything  possible to succeed by making smart choices in all facets of my life. It’s not just about the bike… it’s more a journey than a destination. Racing teaches a lot about patience and waiting, about passion, commitment, will-power, determination, and that complacency is your enemy. My mind suffers tremendously, constantly fighting inward battles against some deep down will to be great, to be a role model and make good choices. I’m on the lookout for a sports psychologist that can explain to me why I see the race so differently than the greats in the sport with equal talent. Why I tend to sabotage myself if even in the slightest way, but just enough that I have a ready-made excuse for not taking the honors I say I want to journey toward. I’ve never been afraid to succeed but then success is not quantifiable. Have I just not the ability to believe that “I can?”  Where do these scars come from? I can only guess.  

Healing wounded heart, wounded body parts, and wounded mind. Time, give it time. Will someone teach me patience? I would forever be grateful. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can’t change and the courage to change the things I can.  

It goes without saying but I do want to say thanks to my family for supporting me and my friends for a shoulder to cry on and a place to hang my hat. I would have headed for the loony farm long ago if they hadn’t stood behind me. Still so much to figure out for myself rather than let happen, as with life so too in bike racing. I will get it as my mentors say. But you know me. I WANT IT NOW!!!

May 26,  2005
Sometime, Someplace

Looks like I won’t be going to NY this year either. Hopefully The Subway Professional Cycling Team can make an appearance at the Bank of America Criterium. There’s a lot of money to be won in one hour on the streets of downtown Charlotte, North Carolina the first weekend in August!  

I keep telling people I am homeless and it's funny because a lot of other people in my circle are telling me the same thing. Maybe we should hook up and rent out a nice house???

Summer came rather suddenly yesterday with a near 90 degree day in Oregon after many, many cold, wet, rainy days in McKenzie Bridge. Global Warming, I am sure, is the cause of such madness. The oddity of the weather is congruent with the oddity of my life somehow. Seems like it’s about time I get a handle on it but like the weather, ya just never know what’s in store for sure. The only certain thing is death and things that have happened in the past. But even these things are left up to one’s own interpretation and imagination.

I flew into Montreal, Canada tonight for the World Cup race on Saturday (woah, nice hill) followed by the Tour of Montreal and Philly, etc… Looking forward to racing on nerve and knowledge, seeing my teammates and getting some sleep and hopefully there will be lots to celebrate soon, too like some new-found form! When I landed in Vancouver this morning I was startled after nodding off, halfway between what was real and just a dream. Get it while I can. We all be livin in a college dormitory style hacienda for the next 8 days.

Yes, time to get a handle on it cuz lately, I’ve felt an unparalleled sadness in my life for things of change in other people’s lives while searching for direction in my own. I know the things I want. The challenge is getting it gracefully. I want to be a good person, do something for the good of others and make a mark in the preservation of nature. I want a brave heart. I want to win races, train and work part time, buy a house someplace away from the Valley of Death, have some animals, a garden and a nice view, cook, eat and live healthily, travel to other lands because I have the time for other cultures and creatures… I want no grand expectations of others but only of myself. I want to like who I am and who I become. I want drive with time for laziness and security without being totally responsible. These dreams, while easily recognizable, I reckon, take years to actualize. You can start where you are if you know where home is. They say home is where the heart is and I think there must be an exception to the rule. I have yet to figure that one out. How restless I feel in the uncertainty of the future, always scraping to get by as a bike racer. Usually one thing depends on another and it’s a frustrating way to live. I am pulled from all sides forever by the desire to be different.  

All I know is I hate goodbyes and how suddenly everything can change.

May 14,  2005
Confucius Say

What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others.  

Why every time I sit down to write a journal entry it becomes more of a dear diary rambling unfit for anyone’s eyes but my own?

Spent a couple nights at mom and dad’s this week. Poured through several photo albums and boxes of loose pictures of me and the family. Made me sad that I had a hard time guessing how old I was with various looks and poses with glasses and without. I didn’t look like a brat. My family tells me that I hated dolls, never liked to be held and had everything handed to me. Folks, listen up! Don’t subject your kids to not having siblings. It just messes you up in the head. 

We definitely need to have the well water tested here in McKenzie Bridge. There’s so much iron in the water it is brown!  

Been listening to the Dixie Chicks lately, strong voices to the Top of the World. I love being alone and listening to the music really loud. There’s no one out here. I’m 50 miles from any big town. It’s great to be alone once in a while.

The weather was nice the last few days for a change. It has literally been raining every day since I’ve been back in OR it seems since the 18^th of April. Have I been in OR for almost a month now? Time is flying and I don’t want to leave. I rode along highway 126 to Walterville and back yesterday with an average cadence of 104 rpms. Whose legs are sore today? Just an easy spin then. Catch a glimpse of the Three Sisters, still snow-covered. I saw the whole lot of them a couple days ago, it was that clear outside and a record breaker I bet. Didn’t have to wear arm or leg warmers. 

Just a few more days to myself before heading to Canada for a World Cup race on the 28^th of May, followed by the Tour of Montreal May 30-June 2, Philly June 5, Nature Valley June 8-12, Tour of Grandview June 17-19 and then a trip to the Bay Area for various activities and to visit The Dean again. Get high up on the roof painting the rest of his house trim. Try to make a track qualifier in WA or Encino… Just roll right along… Cascade maybe and Boise World Championships.